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Working the Third Step ~ ASKing for Help
"When I was in treatment getting sober I was in a city I hadn't lived in for 20 years. I had no car and was going to be living with my brother who lived on the outskirts of the city when I got out of treatment. I was scared that I wasn't going to be able to make it to meetings and went in to talk to my counselor about it. He said, "You ask for rides." "Oh no," I said. "You don't understand I never ask anybody for anything." "Well," he said, "that is what working the third step is all about." "Asking for rides?!?!" I said incredulously.
I thought he was crazy. How can asking for a ride be working the third step?
Well, it is. I needed to learn to ask not only a God I didn't trust for help - but also to ask other people to help me. That was horrible for me. It seemed like such a huge risk. If I asked people for help that would give them a chance to reject me - and I had had enough rejection in my life, thank you very much!
There was a story that I heard around that time. It was about 2 guys who were arguing about rather there was a God or not.
The first one said, "Of course, there is a God. How can you say there is no God."
The second said, "I not only can say it - I can prove it."
"You can prove it?"
"Yes. Years ago I was in a small plane crash in the wilds of Alaska. I was the only survivor and I had a broken leg. There was nothing around for hundreds of miles, so it was only a question of rather I would freeze to death before something ate me. I prayed to God and said 'If there is a God please save me.' And God didn't do anything."
"What do you mean," the first man exclaimed.
"You're here and alive aren't you."
"Oh, well some Eskimo came along and saved me. God didn't do anything."
The point: God works through people. We all have had Eskimos in our lives, angels disguised as people. We are not alone in this process - we can't do it alone.
So, I learned to ask for rides. What I know now is that the Universe always responds - just not very often in the way, or at the time I think it is necessary. I need to ask for help and then let go of rather the person I am asking can in fact help me. I need to take the risk and let go of the outcome. What I need will come from someplace. There is a verse in the bible that says: (paraphrased??)
Ask and ye shall receive.ASK. By asking - either God or another person - I am setting energy in motion in the Universe. Once the energy is in motion it comes back to me at some time from some place. I have to put it out before it will come back. What I sow I reap. The Universes works on the principle of cause and effect. It is very important for me to get proactive in my own life by taking the risk of asking for help - and it is much easier when I can let go of my picture of how, and when, that help is going to manifest." - The Miracle of The Twelve Step Recovery Process: 1, 2, 3, and a 1, 2, 3 - The first three steps
Seek and ye shall find.
Knock and the door shall be opened.
"In twelve step recovery I learned that being willing to ask for help was necessary for me to learn and grow. And that by asking for help, I was giving another person an opportunity to be of service - so that by being open to receive help, I was actually giving them the opportunity to give to me.
In recovery I learned that in giving - sharing my experience, strength, and hope - I received the gift of being able to stay sober one day at a time. It was working a twelve step program that taught me that by giving I was receiving - that giving worked to make my life better."
- Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving
- Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving
Asking for Help 2023
The last time I asked for help was 4 years ago when my car died. As I said at the end of the last update on my Working the Third Step page then:"July 17, 2019 There is good news and good but sad news. My mother passed away on the morning of July 13th. It's good news because her suffering is over and she has gotten to escape from a body and mind that have been failing on her for the last few years. It is, of course, also sad news. I am going home to Nebraska for her funeral on Friday. Her passing means that my financial situation has been relieved in a considerable way for now and the foreseeable future. So, the request for the Universe to provide enough to get out of the hole I was in, was answered in a way that I didn't expect. Good news, but sad also."
- Working the Third Step
I was really in a deep financial hole at that time - all my credit cards almost full when I went back with Darien to visit her for the last time in early July. She didn't know me at that time and kept asking why she was still alive. My sister wrote me a check at that time with my share of some funds that were available. Then towards Thanksgiving I inherited $50,000 from an aunt. In June of 2020, I got my 6 figure share from the sale of our family farm.
I was so grateful that I didn't have to worry about finances during Covid. It was the first time in my life that I had some financial abundance, and I really enjoyed it. As I talk about in the history of this page below, it was asking for help and being willing to open up to receiving support that made it possible for me to publish my book and keep my website going over the years. I have never had money.
My theme for my twenties and early 30s, was "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" - if I don't have anything then it couldn't be taken away from me. My conscious codependency recovery started on the day I realized how my childhood programming was preventing me from allowing myself to open up to abundance of any type." - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving“To make a point, about the levels of complexity of our issues, I want to note here, how the issues of money were connected for me to being male. I hated and rebelled against the inhumanity exhibited throughout the history of civilization by the patriarchal system. I also resented and rebelled against my father who was my role model of what a man was. And I was taught that god the father (who seemingly endorsed capitalism, genocide, the debasement of women, etc.) would send me to burn in hell forever for being human. In unraveling my issues about money, I also needed to unravel my issues with my own gender . . . I spent much of my life, saying that money and material things didn't mean anything to me (the rebel's valiant stand) while giving money great power because I didn't have enough of it (the sabotaging shame and self abuse cycle of the disease.)”
- Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Newsletter 10-20-00 Part 2
"In my codependency, I was terrified of asking for help because I was terrified of rejection - and also, because I thought it made me a loser. I thought I was supposed to have it all together and that it was shameful to appear needy - that it was "weak" to ask for help. The toxic shame at the core of my relationship with my self - the feeling that I was inherently unlovable and unworthy - caused me to have great difficulty in asking for, or accepting, help from others. I did not even know how to accept a simple compliment - let alone any substantial demonstration that another person believed that I did indeed have worth.
"My resistance to opening up to receive Love would cause me to minimize positive feedback by telling myself that the other person wanted something from me, or was just being kind, or whatever. I spent several years in recovery practicing saying just plain "Thank You." Instead of minimizing (oh it was nothing), joking it away, turning it back on them (oh you are really the one who ___), or dismissing it because I suspected the other persons motives or mental health. The feeling deep within was that if someone was loving and positive towards me, it was either a sinister plot or there must be something wrong with them." - Joy to You & Me and Joy2MeU Update10-20-2000
One of the biggest issues for all recovering codependents is learning how to open up to receive, to start owning on a gut / emotional level that we deserve to receive." - Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving
I had always thought that if I had money, I would be generous in sharing it with people I cared about - and I was. Maybe a bit too much in a few cases, but I was happy to help out. I also made a couple of investments that aren't looking too good right now, but could come through at some point. I really enjoyed having money. But basically the inheritance is almost gone now, and I am facing some financial challenges.
When I had to move from Cambria in July 2021, because of the new landlord and the outrageous prices of the few places available, I was very sad.
"I really have a great deal of grief about leaving this place, but I am so grateful for the time I have had here since August 2017. It was a miracle that I found this place then - and it was so reasonably priced. I felt so much Joy while living here. I wish the first landlord had never sold it. But as I said, I am sure the HP has a Loving reason for me to make this move. More will be revealed as usual." - Into The Forest - and out of Cambria
I can see now that the weird landlord and the goats and all that happened was my Higher Power's way of doing for me what I could not do for myself. I would never have left Cambria voluntarily had I not been "forced" to - but I really like where I am living now - and it has lots of advantage over the place I had been living in. Unfortunately it was over $600 more per month than I had been paying - which seemed like a bargain compared to a few of the places that I had looked at in Cambria which were over twice as much. And, at the time, I still had lots of money in the savings account so wasn't worried about how much it is. It actually went up another $80 after the end of the first years lease.
The reality of my financial situation now is that I rarely sell any books through my website. I put up an announcement on joy2meu.com awhile back about the reality of that site.
This website - Joy2meu.com - is designed in a program that is obsolete (Netscape) - which is why I started a new Mobile Friendly site a couple of years ago - Joy2MeU2.com. I keep an old computer to work on it, because it doesn’t work with any operating system from X on. It is probably not going to work one of these days, as it has been giving me more and more problems. I am putting this notice up here to let you know that very soon I may not be able to update this site, and it will be good to go to Joy2MeU2.com for the latest news.
My Joy2MeU site has over 250 pages of free original content with millions of words, which I have been thinking about updating for years - but never really got around to because it is such a huge task. I don't know how much traffic it is getting, and it is not really producing any revenue. Amazon is only sell a couple of hundred dollars of my books, eBooks, and audio books a month - so my main source of income is phone/Zoom/Skype counseling. And as Susan - who does my taxes - pointed out to me, my rent is way too much for my income, like over 60% of it.
When I met her to pick up Darien for a visit over Spring Break, she was talking about me needing to get into some low income assisted living place. Not something I had on my bucket list for this time in my life.
Of course, the reason she was talking about that was not just financial. I am having some real challenges medically these days. They say that getting old isn't for sissies, and that is really true. I could really use some help now with making sure I can pay my rent and bills for the next few months, but it is the medical issues that I would really love to have some ability to explore some alternative healing approaches with.
The medical stuff got intense a week after my 72 birthday in July 2020 when I had a stroke. It wasn't something that I was aware of at the time it happened. I came back from a walk on the Ranch on Monday afternoon and felt some numbness on the left side of my body. It was still there on Wednesday morning, including the left side of my face, so I decided I need to go to the ER.
I was really lucky that it was only a minor stroke and didn't cause any cognitive problems or like that. What it did do however was to damage nerves in my feet and left calf. To say they feel numb would not be accurate. Sometimes my feet feel like they are burning up, sometimes like they are freezing. Sometimes it feel like I have a club foot - just a dead block of flesh at the end of my leg. The neuropathy causes my feet to alway feel like they are swollen twice the size of my shoe - and as if I am walking on some kind of padding. I can't wait to get my shoes off when I get home - even though the shoes are not actually the problem.
On the day that I was in the ER for 7 hours, Susan and Darien drove down from Tracy to pick me up. They wanted to treat me like an invalid, and I wanted to act like nothing ever happened. In the next few days after I got out of the hospital, the numbness on my left side subsided, but the neuropathy set in - in both of my feet and in my left calf. Susan bought me a cane, and I started to use it on my walks - even though I didn't really need it. I decided that someplace between an invalid and nothing happened would be the wise path - so I use the cane to remind me that something did happen. That I don't have the balance that I used to have, and I am much more fear of falling - and often stumble a bit. So, I walk places where the path is mostly flat. I try to walk two miles a day even though my feet feel weird - because I am afraid if I don't, I may not be able to walk at all one of these days.
I had become alarmed lately because it seem like it might be getting worse. Twice in recent weeks, both feet have gone to sleep at the same time and I almost fell when I tried to stand up. I had gotten the impression from the doctors in the ER, and my own doctors, that there was nothing that could be done about it and that it could get worse.
So, I was surprised a couple of weeks ago to see an ad on Facebook for a place in San Luis Obispo that was offering a free consultation for neuropathy treatment. I went to the consultation and was quite intrigued by it. They use M6 Laser therapy - a deep laser therapy - to stimulate the growth of the casing around the nerves that can help to reverse some of the damage. But it turned out to be really expensive, You need to do a series of 12 treatments at over $400 a treatnent.
So basically, this is something I would like to try if I had an extra $5000 at my disposal. Which, a year ago, would have been available. Sigh.
They also use a shallower kind of laser to treat pain, including arthritis pain - which is the thing that is really kicking my butt right now. It is hurting me to write this as my wrists - especially my left wrist - and hands are affected.
Arthritis first showed up in my life when I was still in San Diego area sometime in 2016. I went to physical therapy for it, and was put on Naproxen morning and evening. When I had my stroke, they put me on a blood thinner - so now I can't take naproxen or ibuprofen or aspirin. Only Tylenol, and it doesn't seem to do much good.
It hadn't bothered me for years until it cropped up in December. It was in my right shoulder first and very, very painful. It was almost impossible to sleep with it - it made me realize how much I used my shoulder to turn over or sit up while sleeping. Then it went into my hands and wrists where it has been most of the time since then. It was in my knee for a few days and very, very painful - I could hardly walk. Then later, it was in the back of my knee - and though not that painful, it made me feel very wobbly. Like my leg was going to collapse when I tried to stand up.
Mostly it has been in my wrist, which makes it painful to write - to open a bottle, to button my buttons, to turn a door knob. One day I couldn't open my front door - I had to use a pair of pliers to get out of my apartment.
I would love to try the laser treatments for the arthritis pain. That would probably be a couple thousand dollars at the place I did the consultation. A client in England has sent me information about red light therapy - which I think also involves lasers. So I am going to check that out. And another client on the East Coast, works for a doctor that prescribes testosterone for inflammation - which is what causes arthritis.
I also have diabetes. When I quit smoking in December 2013, I gave myself permission to be indulgent with food because it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And I didn't take back that permission for a couple of years - resulting in gaining about 30 lbs. So, I went from pre-diabetic to diabetic and they put me on insulin, which caused me to gain another 20 lbs.
I have COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) from 45 years of smoking. It doesn't bother me very much, as long as I don't try to run or climb.
And I have an enlarged prostrate which causes me to have to go to the bathroom every hour or hour and a half during the night. It wasn't bothering me that much as long as I could get back to sleep pretty quickly, but the arthritis now makes every trip very painful and it is much harder to get back to sleep.
As I was writing this - and listing my ailments - an old movie came to mind, They Shoot Horses Don't They. It was an amusing thought not a serious consideration. I am not ready to check out yet. I want to stay around long enough so that I can see Darien into his 20s. Hopefully mid twenties, since he is 18 now.
I am handling all of this quite well. One day at a time, one hour at a time, I can get through to whatever comes next. I have always had great empathy for people who have to deal with chronic pain, partially because I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I am doing a good job of not letting it define my life, but I am really not fond of the idea of an assisted living place.
So anyway, it would be really great if I could raise some money now. For the rent and bills, and maybe for some of the medical options. So, I am putting this out there. Going to post on Facebook and Linkedin - and send out announcements to my email list. Below is a history of my asking for help for anyone who isn't familiar - a history of how Eskimos and Angels helped me to keep my book in print and my website going.
If you could make a donation to the cause or buy some books or something, that would be great.
Clicking on this link will take you to a page with PayPal links to send some green energy my way: Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes - and it is possible to use a debit or credit card through PayPal from those links without having a PayPal account. After you click on the link it will take you to a page where you can log into PayPal - but below that it says: Pay with Debit or Credit Card.On that page you will see the following quote from the article Metaphysical Law: Giving and Receiving:
Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes
I freely share so much information on my site because - as I say in the article above - I believe it is my Karmic Mission in this lifetime. I want to share the Joyous message and the precious information that I have discovered - and it is what I need to do for my Recovery and Spiritual Path. It is not such a great strategy when it comes to finances however.;-) So Donations to the Cause / Love Offerings / Spiritual Tithes are always appreciated if you feel my sharing has helped you in your Healing / Recovery process and on your Spiritual Path. If my writing has helped you remember Truth that brings you some Joy and inner peace, and your Spirit moves you to send some Love back my way - there are donation links here.
My way in the past of keeping the energy flowing - is by sending some Love energy and healing information back your way in the form of my books, audios, subscription sections, etc. You will see a list of those things that I will send back to you.
Anyone who is familiar with me and my writing will not be surprised to hear that the third part of this web article got really long. It is the History of my work/book and ASKing for help. So I made it into a separate page for those of you who don't like reading anything too long.
Anyone who is familiar with me and my writing will not be surprised to hear that the third part of this web article got really long. It is the History of my work/book and ASKing for help. So I made it into a separate page for those of you who don't like reading anything too long.
Anyone who is familiar with me and my writing will not be surprised to hear that the third part of this web article got really long. It is the History of my work/book and ASKing for help. So I made it into a separate page for those of you who don't like reading anything too long.
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The Miracle of The Twelve Step Recovery Process - a formula for integration and balance
"I am profoundly, deeply, everlastingly grateful for the gift of the 12 steps. The process of learning to apply the Spiritual Principles in my life has changed my life from an unendurable hell to an adventure that is exciting and enJoyable most of the time. The twelve steps work. That is the bottom line. They work to help a person transform their experience of life into something better. They work to help a person learn to develop a relationship with life and self that allows room for inner peace, happiness, and Joy. The twelve step process works to help a person open up to Love."
"Mystics, gnostics, and certain "primitive" peoples have, throughout recorded human history, understood the Truth in this concept - but the "organized religions" of urban-based civilizations have persecuted, tortured, and crucified any messengers or groups of people who believed in a Loving, personal God or Goddess - because it threatened the power of those organized religions' control over the masses and therefore their very existence. This time the dissemination of the message has been effective because: The time was right; the revolutionary concept was camouflaged as part of a successful treatment for a fatal, incurable disease; and it was accompanied by the Twelve Step Spiritual program."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
"The tool, the gift, that I discovered when I was willing to start asking for help was the Twelve Steps. The Twelve Step Recovery program that was developed by Alcoholics Anonymous is a work of mystical Spirituality. It is a formula for integrating Spiritual Truth into day to day human life."
"The Twelve Step Recovery process is so successful because it provides a formula for integrating different levels. It is by recognizing that we are powerless to control our life experiences out of ego-self that we can access the power out of True Self, Spiritual Self. By surrendering the illusion of ego control we can reconnect with our Higher Selves. Selfishness out of ego-self is destroying the planet. Selfishness out of Spiritual Self is what will save the planet."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
"The first three steps of the twelve step program basically involve: Step 1. getting honest enough to recognize that what we have been doing is not working; Step 2. getting willing to open up to some help from outside; Step 3. asking for help. The next step - the 4th - involves taking an honest inventory and starting to see ourselves with more clarity. When we start getting more honest with ourselves, the 11th step tells us how to access the power to change our lives - through prayer and meditation."
On this page is an article about how the Twelve Steps provide a practical program for accessing Spiritual power in dealing with day-to-day human life.
Included are excerpts from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and quotes from other articles on the Joy2MeU web site of Robert Burney. Internal links within this article open in a separate browser window.
The Miracle of The Twelve Step Recovery Process
by Robert Burney
" The Twelve Step program of AA provides a practical program for accessing Spiritual power in dealing with day-to-day human life. A formula for integrating the Spiritual into the physical. Even though some of the steps, as originally written, contain shaming and abusive wording, the Twelve Step process and the ancient Spiritual principles underlining it are invaluable tools in helping the individual being start down, and stay on, a path aligned with Truth.
It is out of the Twelve Step Recovery movement that our understanding of the dysfunctional nature of civilization has evolved. It is out of the Alcoholic Recovery movement that the term "Codependent" has emerged."
It is out of the Twelve Step Recovery movement that our understanding of the dysfunctional nature of civilization has evolved. It is out of the Alcoholic Recovery movement that the term "Codependent" has emerged."
(All quotes in this color are quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)
This is the first of 6 (possibly 7) articles about the Twelve Steps. In March of 2002 as I was preparing to move the bulk of the book I wrote and published online about the September 11th Attack on America to my Joy2MeU Journal (as I forewarned in my January 2002 Update) I decided to move this series of articles to the regular Joy2MeU web site. I realized that - though the foundation of my work is the ancient Spiritual Principles and process that I learned by working a twelve step program, and I talk about those principles and that process to some extent in all of my writing - I did not have very much written here on my regular web site that actually talks about the steps themselves.
When I originally started publishing these articles in the Joy2MeU Journal, it was because I thought I would need to create enough content to make the Journal attractive to potential subscribers. The Journal has turned into something quite different from my original vision of it, and because the story of my recovery and Spiritual journey expanded to include a personal intimate journal about my process over the last 3 years, there is plenty of content in that Journal for people who resonate strongly with my writing. Thus, moving this series of articles (which has been expanded from 4 to 6 articles) to Joy2MeU to make them available to the public as a whole makes sense.
I am profoundly, deeply, everlastingly grateful for the gift of the 12 steps. The process of learning to apply the Spiritual Principles in my life has changed my life from an unendurable hell to an adventure that is exciting and enJoyable most of the time. The twelve steps work. That is the bottom line. They work to help a person transform their experience of life into something better. They work to help a person learn to develop a relationship with life and self that allows room for inner peace, happiness, and Joy. The twelve step process works to help a person open up to Love.
As I explain in my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls, planetary conditions caused human beings to develop a relationship with being human that was reversed to Love and Truth. The reason this human experience is so screwed up is because humans have been doing life backwards - looking outside for Truth and Love, for validation, meaning, and purpose. Outer dependence is dysfunctional. It is the reason we do not know how to love our neighbors as our self - because we do not know how to Love our self. It is the reason we have war and poverty, pollution and child abuse, rape and bigotry. This world would be a much nicer place if everyone was working a twelve step program.
The good news is that there has been a major change in those planetary conditions, and a new age - an Age of Healing and Joy - has dawned in human consciousness. The human condition is changing. We have entered a new time in human evolution - a time in which we are learning to manifest Love into the world by learning to access Love for self. The twelve step process has played a major role in the Spiritual Revolution that is taking place on this planet. The mystical gift of the twelve steps greatly accelerated the process of bringing the planetary energy field to critical mass so that this change could take place. In this series of articles I am sharing my perspective of the twelve steps.
"I believe that in a hundred years historians will look back and pinpoint this milestone as the single most important event in the twentieth century. This milestone was the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous in Akron, Ohio, in June of 1935.
Besides the invaluable gift of sobriety that AA has given to millions of Alcoholics, it also started a revolution in Spiritual consciousness.
The dramatic success and expansion of AA facilitated the spread of a radically revolutionary idea which has traditionally, in Western Civilization, been considered heresy. This was not a new idea but rather a reintroduction and clarification of an old idea, coupled with a formula for practical application of the concept into day-to-day human life experience.
This revolutionary idea was that an unconditionally Loving Higher Power exists with whom the individual being can personally communicate. A Higher Power that is so powerful that it has no need to judge the humans it created because this Universal Force is powerful enough to ensure that everything unfolds perfectly from a Cosmic Perspective.
This reintroduction of the revolutionary concept of an accessible Loving God has been clarified to specifically include the concept that the individual being can define this Universal Force according to his/her own understanding, and can develop a personal, intimate relationship with this Higher Power.
In other words, no one is needed as an intermediary between you and your creator. No outside agency has the right to impose upon you its definition of God.
The spread of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the other Anonymous programs which sprang out of AA, is the widest and most effective dissemination of this radical revolutionary concept that has ever occurred in Western Civilization.
Mystics, gnostics, and certain "primitive" peoples have, throughout recorded human history, understood the Truth in this concept - but the "organized religions" of urban-based civilizations have persecuted, tortured, and crucified any messengers or groups of people who believed in a Loving, personal God or Goddess - because it threatened the power of those organized religions' control over the masses and therefore their very existence. This time the dissemination of the message has been effective because: The time was right; the revolutionary concept was camouflaged as part of a successful treatment for a fatal, incurable disease; and it was accompanied by the Twelve Step Spiritual program."
Besides the invaluable gift of sobriety that AA has given to millions of Alcoholics, it also started a revolution in Spiritual consciousness.
The dramatic success and expansion of AA facilitated the spread of a radically revolutionary idea which has traditionally, in Western Civilization, been considered heresy. This was not a new idea but rather a reintroduction and clarification of an old idea, coupled with a formula for practical application of the concept into day-to-day human life experience.
This revolutionary idea was that an unconditionally Loving Higher Power exists with whom the individual being can personally communicate. A Higher Power that is so powerful that it has no need to judge the humans it created because this Universal Force is powerful enough to ensure that everything unfolds perfectly from a Cosmic Perspective.
This reintroduction of the revolutionary concept of an accessible Loving God has been clarified to specifically include the concept that the individual being can define this Universal Force according to his/her own understanding, and can develop a personal, intimate relationship with this Higher Power.
In other words, no one is needed as an intermediary between you and your creator. No outside agency has the right to impose upon you its definition of God.
The spread of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the other Anonymous programs which sprang out of AA, is the widest and most effective dissemination of this radical revolutionary concept that has ever occurred in Western Civilization.
Mystics, gnostics, and certain "primitive" peoples have, throughout recorded human history, understood the Truth in this concept - but the "organized religions" of urban-based civilizations have persecuted, tortured, and crucified any messengers or groups of people who believed in a Loving, personal God or Goddess - because it threatened the power of those organized religions' control over the masses and therefore their very existence. This time the dissemination of the message has been effective because: The time was right; the revolutionary concept was camouflaged as part of a successful treatment for a fatal, incurable disease; and it was accompanied by the Twelve Step Spiritual program."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Expansion
In moving what was originally a 4 part series of articles to this web site it has expanded. The series could end up being as many as 7 articles before it is finished with me. On this page is the most recent succinct discussion of the twelve step process that I have written. The next article will be the body of the first article of my original Journal series slightly expanded - to be followed by a completely new article about the recovery concepts of powerlessness and unmanageability from multiple perspectives in relationship to multiple levels.
Immediately below are several excerpts from Chapter 2 of Attack on America - A Spiritual Healing Perspective. Below that are some tables with different versions of the twelve steps. The last section of this article is a short excerpt about the Principles of Twelve Step Recovery along with my version of the of the first three steps from intellectual and emotional levels as I understand and apply them - originally published online in 1998. At the bottom of the page is a disclaimer to let you know that Alcoholics Anonymous has not approved any deviation from their approach to the Twelve Steps and any reference I make to the steps is not meant to imply otherwise.
"One of the core characteristics of this disease of Codependence is intellectual polarization - black and white thinking. Rigid extremes - good or bad, right or wrong, love it or leave it, one or ten. Codependence does not allow any gray area - only black and white extremes.
Life is not black and white. Life involves the interplay of black and white. In other words, the gray area is where life takes place. A big part of the healing process is learning the numbers two through nine - recognizing that life is not black and white.
Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things.
We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings."
Life is not black and white. Life involves the interplay of black and white. In other words, the gray area is where life takes place. A big part of the healing process is learning the numbers two through nine - recognizing that life is not black and white.
Life is not some kind of test, that if we fail, we will be punished. We are not human creatures who are being punished by an avenging god. We are not trapped in some kind of tragic place out of which we have to earn our way by doing the "right" things.
We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to learn. We are here to go through this process that is life. We are here to feel these feelings."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Codependency: A Dance of Black and White Thinking and Toxic Shame
"We were powerless out of ego-self to do anything any different than we did it. We are powerless out of ego-self to heal this disease. Through Spiritual Self, through our Spiritual Connection, we have access to all the power in the Universe.
We need to have the willingness: willingness to get to a new level of self-honesty; willingness to start listening to the Loving inner voice instead of the shaming ones; willingness to face the terror of healing the emotional wounds."
We need to have the willingness: willingness to get to a new level of self-honesty; willingness to start listening to the Loving inner voice instead of the shaming ones; willingness to face the terror of healing the emotional wounds."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
There is an acronym in Twelve Step Recovery, that like many simple sayings, it full of Truth. That acronym is HOW. The letters stand for honesty, openness, and willingness. It is vital to be willing to start looking at life and self from larger perspectives, willing to take the action necessary to align with healing. To be open to changing our attitudes, to feeling our feelings. And it is so vital to start being willing and open to getting more honest with ourselves.
Codependence is dishonest. It is an emotional defense system adapted by humans to try to survive the pain of feeling unworthy and unlovable. From a codependent perspective there are no choices - only two extremes, black and white. Right or wrong.
Because as small children we did not have any perspective or discernment (prior to the age of reason, which occurs about 7 as our brains develop) we were incapable as viewing our parents as anything other than perfect Higher Powers. Our God and Goddess. Because our Higher Powers were wounded and did not know how to Love self, we were wounded and got the message that something must be wrong with us. Toxic Shame.
"That shame is toxic and is not ours - it never was! We did nothing to be ashamed of - we were just little kids. Just as our parents were little kids when they were wounded and shamed, and their parents before them, etc., etc. This is shame about being human that has been passed down from generation to generation.
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds."
There is no blame here, there are no bad guys, only wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
Out of our codependent relationship with life, there are only two extremes: blame them, or blame me. Buy into the belief that they are to blame for what I am feeling - or I am to blame because I am a shameful unworthy being. The emotional pain of feeling unlovable to our parents - which is a reflection of unbearable anguish of feeling separated from The Source - can feel like a bottomless pit of agonizing suffering. At the core of our wounding is the unbearable emotional pain resulting from having internalized the message that God - our Source - does not Love us because we are personally defective and shameful.
Our addictions, compulsions, and obsessions; our continuing quest to reach the destination, to find the fix; our inability to be present in the now through worrying about the future or ruminating about the past; are all tools that we used to avoid the emotional pain. Our behavior patterns and dysfunctional relationships (of all kinds, with other people, with money, with our gender and sexuality) are symptoms. Codependence is a defense system that was adapted by our damaged egos to try to avoid falling into the abyss of shame and pain within.
We formed our core relationship with self, other people, and life based upon this feeling of toxic shame. Like the corruption at the foundation of Western Civilization, there is corruption in the foundation of our relationship with self. Reflections.
In order to start changing our ego programming and healing our emotional wounds, it is necessary to start Loving ourselves. We start Loving ourselves by opening up to the possibility that maybe we are Lovable. We start Loving ourselves by using our will power to start changing our attitudes, beliefs, perspectives, and behaviors - in order to start changing our relationship with self, with our own emotions.
We are Co-Creators of our human experience, but for most of our lives we were allied with the disease - lived life out of the fear, lack, scarcity, separation programming of the damaged ego. We were powerless to change our ego programming out of the false self, the ego self image, that was based upon the dishonesty inherent in black and white thinking.
Our paths unfolded perfectly to bring us to a point where some life event, or series of events, brought us to our knees, caused us to hit an emotional bottom that made us start being honest enough with ourselves to see that we needed some help. When we started to seek help, we opened up to allowing the Universe to start guiding us with carrots instead of using the stick. We opened up to becoming willing and honest enough to start learning the lessons we are here to learn instead of being trapped in repeating our patterns.
Recovery - aligning with Love instead of shame
The tool, the gift, that I discovered when I was willing to start asking for help was the Twelve Steps. The Twelve Step Recovery program that was developed by Alcoholics Anonymous is a work of mystical Spirituality. It is a formula for integrating Spiritual Truth into day to day human life.
"The Twelve Step Recovery process is so successful because it provides a formula for integrating different levels. It is by recognizing that we are powerless to control our life experiences out of ego-self that we can access the power out of True Self, Spiritual Self. By surrendering the illusion of ego control we can reconnect with our Higher Selves. Selfishness out of ego-self is destroying the planet. Selfishness out of Spiritual Self is what will save the planet."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
One of those principles - that really scared me when I first heard I had to develop it - was humility. I equated humility with humiliation because of my toxic shame.
In Truth, humility really means to see clearly. To see that as a human being the reality is that I am not perfect. There are some areas I am strong in - that I have gifts, abilities, talents, skills - and some that I am weak in. None of us human beings are perfect in our humanness - we are all perfect in our Spiritual essence.
One person will be talented in one area but weak in another. Because we got the message in childhood that we were supposed to be perfect, that it was shameful to be 'wrong' - and we were taught to look outside and compare ourselves to determine our worth - we focused on our strengths as proof we were better than others. Which also meant we needed to deny our weaknesses - or deny that the areas in which we were weak had any importance. Humility is about owning both our strengths and our weaknesses - and realizing that all human beings have both strengths and weaknesses.
"Looking outside of ourselves for self-definition and self-worth means that we have to judge people in order to feel good about ourselves. There is no other way to do it when you look outside.
We were taught to have ego-strength through judgment - better than, prettier than, smarter than, richer than, stronger than, etc., etc.
In a Codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel positive about him/herself. This is the root of all bigotry, racism, sexism, and prejudice in the world.
True self-worth does not come from looking down on anyone or anything. True self-worth comes from awakening to our connection to everyone and everything.
The Truth is that we are like snowflakes: Each individual is unique and different and special and we are all made from the same thing. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are all part of the Eternal ONENESS that is the Great Spirit.
When we start looking within and celebrating the Truth of who we Truly are, then we can celebrate our unique differences instead of judging them out of fear."
We were taught to have ego-strength through judgment - better than, prettier than, smarter than, richer than, stronger than, etc., etc.
In a Codependent society everyone has to have someone to look down on in order to feel positive about him/herself. This is the root of all bigotry, racism, sexism, and prejudice in the world.
True self-worth does not come from looking down on anyone or anything. True self-worth comes from awakening to our connection to everyone and everything.
The Truth is that we are like snowflakes: Each individual is unique and different and special and we are all made from the same thing. We are all cut from the same cloth. We are all part of the Eternal ONENESS that is the Great Spirit.
When we start looking within and celebrating the Truth of who we Truly are, then we can celebrate our unique differences instead of judging them out of fear."
Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
When I started to open up to the concept that there was a Higher Power who Loved me Unconditionally, then I could start getting past the shame to seeing the gray area. Then I could start to stop reacting out of the black and white, fear based programming of my damaged ego.
When I started to be open to seeing myself more clearly, then I could start to see that I had more in common with other human beings than I had differences. Then I could start to see that thinking I was better than someone else because of a gift is false pride. A gift is just that - a gift. Talent, intelligence, looks - those are gifts to be cherished and cultivated, not standards for feeling better than another human being.
Through working the twelve step program, I could start to understand that every cloud has a silver lining. (I just flashed on my mother in childhood telling me that every curse is also a blessing - in regard to my emotional sensitivity I believe. We do hear messages of Spiritual Truth from early on - it is applying them to our lives that we need some help figuring out how to do.) A gift also carries obligations with it. Though feeling pride about a gift was false - what I could take pride in was the action I took to cultivate that gift. (Which of course I had not done in some cases because of the black and white thinking and toxic shame - I was afraid to take a risk because I was sure I would fail. Another thing to realize I was powerless over and forgive myself for.)
Through starting to see myself more clearly - by stopping with the shame of self and judgment of others to protect myself from that shame - then I could more easily see that we were more alike than different. Then I could start to be open to believing that maybe I had worth and deserved Love - and that you did also.
Feeling shameful and reacting to life from fear, caused me to focus on how I was different (and better, or worse) than you. The more I could start to see that I am not perfect and that it is OK - the more I could access the acceptance to allow you to not be perfect.
That helped me to stop taking other peoples behavior so personally. When I started understanding how I had been reacting - started seeing myself more clearly and accepting reality, I could also start seeing that what you were doing was not really about me, it was you reacting to your wounds.
The more clearly I saw myself within the framework of a Spiritual recovery process, the easier it became to see that I had not been seeing myself or you clearly - or life.
